Why You Keep Going Back: Understanding Intermittent Reinforcement, Attachment Wounds, and the Healing Power of Somatic Therapy
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a relationship—romantic, family, friendship, or even work-related—where things feel unpredictable? Maybe sometimes this person is loving, available, and kind… and other times they’re cold, distant, or even cruel. You might tell yourself “this time will be different” or feel a sense of hope every time things get good again. But then, just like before, the rug gets pulled out from under you.
This confusing pattern can be heartbreaking, and it’s often tied to something called intermittent reinforcement.
What Is Intermittent Reinforcement?
Intermittent reinforcement is a fancy term from psychology that basically means: sometimes you get what you need, and sometimes you don’t—and you never know when it’s coming.
Think of it like a slot machine. If you got nothing every time you pulled the lever, you’d eventually walk away. But if you win just sometimes, you keep playing. The not-knowing makes it harder to stop, and the occasional “win” gives you just enough hope to stay.
In relationships, this might look like:
A partner who gives you affection and attention only after you've pulled away or threatened to leave
A parent who sometimes shows up with love and support, but is mostly emotionally unavailable
A friend who disappears for weeks but then returns with warmth and apologies
These dynamics can be deeply confusing, even addictive. And they can be especially hard to walk away from if you have attachment wounds.
What Do Attachment Wounds Have to Do With It?
Attachment wounds often begin in childhood. If your caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes loving, sometimes withdrawn or unpredictable—you may have learned that love isn’t safe, but it’s something you have to earn. You might have learned to:
Overfunction or people-please in order to feel secure
Blame yourself when someone pulls away
Mistake anxiety for connection
In adulthood, these early patterns can replay in your relationships. You might find yourself drawn to people who feel familiar—even if that familiarity includes pain, uncertainty, or not quite being chosen.
Intermittent reinforcement can hook into those old wounds, creating a cycle where you crave connection but feel like you’re always chasing it.
How Somatic Therapy Can Help
Talk therapy can be a helpful place to understand these patterns—but somatic therapy adds another layer by involving your body in the healing process.
Attachment wounds don’t just live in your thoughts—they live in your nervous system. Your body might tighten when you sense disconnection. You may notice a pit in your stomach when you wait for a reply. Or feel a burst of hope and relief when that “good” moment finally comes. These are real, physical responses that your body learned a long time ago.
In somatic therapy, we work gently with these responses. This might include:
Noticing where tension or collapse shows up in your body
Learning to stay connected to yourself during emotional highs and lows
Practicing new, safer ways of relating to others—from a grounded, regulated place
Somatic work helps you build awareness, safety, and self-trust—not just in your mind, but in your whole system.
You’re Not Broken—You’re Wired for Connection
If this post resonates with you, please know: you’re not “too much,” “too needy,” or “bad at relationships.” You’re a human being who learned to survive in the best way you could.
There is a way out of these cycles. Healing is possible—gently, slowly, and in connection. Somatic therapy can be a powerful tool for helping you come home to yourself, understand your patterns, and create more nourishing relationships—starting with the one you have with you.
If you're curious about working together, feel free to reach out. I'm here when you're ready.
