Why Do I Keep Ending Up in Inconsistent Relationships?

Many thoughtful, self-aware adults who feel steady and capable in most areas of life find themselves tender and unsure when it comes to relationships. You may work hard, show up for the people you love, and feel grounded in your day-to-day life, yet still feel pulled toward the same painful patterns. If you find yourself longing for consistent love yet repeatedly choosing emotionally unpredictable partners, you are not alone.

In my eight years as a somatic and attachment-based therapist and Registered Clinical Counsellor, I have supported adults across British Columbia, both in person and virtually, who feel caught in this cycle. My training in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and attachment-focused approaches shapes much of the work I do, and I often see the same tender themes arise. These patterns are not signs of weakness or failure. They are reflections of what the nervous system learned long before you had words for any of this.

You deserve relationships that feel steady and nourishing. In this article, you will learn why anxious attachment patterns form, why inconsistency can feel addictive, why healthy partners may feel unfamiliar at first, and how to begin breaking anxious attachment patterns with compassion and clarity.

Why do I keep choosing partners who cannot meet my needs?

Many adults who struggle in romantic relationships wonder why they are repeatedly drawn toward partners who are inconsistent or emotionally unavailable. The answer often lies in early attachment experiences. If love and attention were unpredictable growing up, the nervous system learned to associate connection with uncertainty. As adults, that uncertainty can feel magnetic, even when it is painful.

In my work with clients across British Columbia, I have noticed that this pattern rarely comes from a lack of insight. People often understand logically that a partner cannot meet their needs. Yet their body continues to reach for the familiar. One client described feeling a pull toward partners who gave “almost enough” attention. When we explored this together, she recognized that the feeling of anticipation itself was familiar. It mirrored her earliest relationships, where affection arrived unpredictably.

A helpful first step is slowing down enough to notice what happens inside when you are drawn toward someone inconsistent. You may feel urgency, a fluttering through the chest, or a tightness in the stomach. These cues are not wrong. They are information. With practice, you can begin to differentiate between emotional activation and true connection.

Expert insight:

“As an attachment-focused therapist, I often see that the body reaches for what it learned first. We are not drawn to inconsistent partners because we want pain, but because unpredictability once meant hope.”

Virtual therapy can be helpful here, especially for those in remote communities where privacy or access feels limited. Many clients tell me that meeting online from home gives them more space to tune in to these internal cues without distraction.

Why do inconsistent relationships feel so addictive?

Many people feel confused about why they cannot let go of a relationship that hurts. The answer often lies in a well-documented psychological pattern known as intermittent reinforcement. When affection arrives unpredictably, the nervous system receives strong spikes of dopamine. The contrast between anxiety and relief creates an emotional “high” that feels powerful and compelling.

Classic behavioral research by B. F. Skinner demonstrated that unpredictable reward patterns are far more reinforcing than predictable ones. In the context of relationships, this means that the moments of closeness feel disproportionately meaningful because they temporarily soothe the distress created by the distance.

I often work with clients who describe a wave of relief when a partner finally reaches out after withdrawing. The relief feels like proof of connection, when in reality, it is the nervous system relaxing after a period of stress. One client noticed that she felt more bonded to her partner during reunions than during steady connection. Understanding this cycle helped her step out of self-blame and begin to see the pattern for what it was.

To interrupt this cycle, try pausing when you feel compelled to chase closeness. Place a hand on your chest or abdomen, breathe slowly, and notice the sensations. You are not trying to suppress your feelings. You are helping your body settle enough to respond intentionally.

Expert insight:

“What feels addictive in inconsistent relationships is often the nervous system’s attempt to find relief, not the strength of the connection itself.”

For clients across BC who work with me virtually, this kind of somatic awareness can feel easier to access from the comfort of their own home, where their nervous system may already feel safer.

Why do healthy, consistent partners sometimes feel boring or unfamiliar?

It is common for people breaking anxious attachment patterns to feel confused when a healthy partner does not evoke the same intensity. Calmness may feel flat. Reliability may feel unfamiliar. Steadiness may feel suspicious. This does not mean the relationship is wrong. It means your nervous system is adjusting to a level of safety it has not known before.

Attachment researchers Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby found that children who received consistent, attuned care developed internal expectations of safety. Adults who did not have this experience often feel activated by unpredictability and uneasy with calmness.

In my practice, I often work with clients who say, “He’s really good to me, but I don’t feel the spark.” When we slow things down, it becomes clear that what they interpret as boredom is actually the absence of anxiety. One client realized that she had mistaken butterflies for chemistry. When she learned to settle into the calmness, she discovered a deeper, more grounded kind of attraction.

Try noticing how you feel in your body after spending time with a consistent partner. Do you feel more at ease? More yourself? More grounded? These subtle cues often indicate compatibility, even if they do not feel dramatic.

Expert insight:

“Calm can feel like boredom when chaos was your first template for connection.”

Virtual clients often find it helpful to explore this in therapy while sitting in their own living room, where the body naturally softens and becomes more receptive to subtle cues.

How do I start breaking these relationship patterns?

Breaking anxious attachment patterns requires curiosity rather than self-criticism. These patterns formed to protect you. Your body learned to seek connection the best way it could with the resources it had at the time. Changing them begins with safety, not self-discipline.

A meaningful starting point is noticing your internal experience during moments of activation. You might feel the urge to text repeatedly, search for reassurance, or make yourself smaller. Instead of fighting these impulses, try to understand what they are protecting. I often guide clients to place a hand on their chest, breathe slowly, and notice where their body softens even a little. This helps shift out of fight-or-flight.

Next, try exploring what healthy connection feels like in your system. It may feel neutral, soft, or unfamiliar. Instead of assuming that means something is wrong, ask, “Is this calmness new for me?” Over time, the nervous system learns to trust steadiness.

Therapy can be powerful here. In a steady therapeutic relationship, your system gradually learns that connection does not require chasing or performing. As internal safety grows, your external choices begin to shift in ways that once felt impossible.

Expert insight:

“Patterns change not when we force different choices, but when our nervous system finally feels safe enough to allow a new experience.”

Virtual therapy can be especially supportive for individuals in remote areas or small towns who want a private space to explore these patterns. It offers the flexibility, confidentiality, and comfort needed for somatic work.

How can therapy help me change these patterns?

Therapy provides a relational environment where old attachment wounds can soften and new templates can form. In my experience, clients often shift most meaningfully when they feel consistently attuned to by another person. This steady presence helps the nervous system learn that connection can be safe and predictable.

I recently supported a client who realized that whenever conflict arose, her shoulders tensed and her breath shortened. By slowing these moments down in therapy, she discovered she could ground herself before responding. Over time, she began choosing partners who were more responsive and less emotionally volatile.

Somatic and attachment-based therapy helps you understand what your body is protecting and teaches you new ways of relating to yourself and others. It is not about fixing you. It is about supporting your nervous system in feeling safe enough to experience connection differently.

Expert insight:

“Therapy becomes the place where the nervous system finally learns what safety feels like.”

I offer counselling in Squamish and virtual therapy across British Columbia, including for individuals in remote communities, small towns, and digital nomads who want flexibility and privacy.

FAQ

How do inconsistent relationships affect the nervous system?

Inconsistent relationships activate intermittent reinforcement, causing anxiety during distance and strong relief when closeness returns. In my practice, I often see that this cycle becomes deeply wired and can feel addictive. Understanding the nervous system’s role helps clients reduce shame and begin to interrupt the pattern.

Why am I only attracted to unavailable partners?

Attraction often reflects familiarity. If love was unpredictable in childhood, the nervous system may associate uncertainty with connection. I help clients understand that they are not choosing pain on purpose. Their body is responding to old templates rooted in early attachment experiences.

Why do healthy partners feel boring at first?

When you are used to chaos, calmness can feel unfamiliar or flat. Many clients discover that what feels boring at first is actually the absence of anxiety. As their nervous system settles, the steadiness of a healthy partner begins to feel warm, grounding, and genuinely supportive.

Can I break these patterns on my own?

Insight helps, but these patterns live in the nervous system, not just the mind. In my experience, therapy offers a relational environment where the body can learn new patterns through consistency, attunement, and safety.

Does virtual therapy work for attachment and somatic work?

Yes. Many clients in remote BC communities find virtual therapy more accessible and more private. Somatic work translates well online since you are already in a familiar environment where your nervous system feels safer to explore internal cues.

Why do I panic when someone pulls away?

For many people, withdrawal activates attachment wounds. The body interprets distance as danger, leading to panic or urgency. In therapy, I help clients understand what their system is protecting and learn to regulate before reacting.

What does secure attachment feel like?

Secure attachment often feels calm, steady, and predictable. You may feel more grounded in your body and less activated by uncertainty. Many clients are surprised that secure attachment feels gentle, not intense.

How long does it take to break anxious attachment patterns?

It varies. Many clients begin noticing changes within a few months as their nervous system becomes more regulated. Deeper shifts often take several months to a year. What matters most is consistency and self-compassion.

Conclusion

Understanding why these patterns develop is a powerful step toward healing. When you can see how your nervous system learned to seek connection, the choices that once felt confusing begin to make sense. With awareness, safety, and steady support, breaking anxious attachment patterns becomes not only possible, but deeply transformative.

If you are ready to feel more grounded in your relationships, reconnect with your internal signals, and build a sense of safety from the inside out, I would be honored to support you. I offer attachment-based and somatic counselling in Squamish, as well as virtual therapy across British Columbia for those in remote communities, small towns, or anyone wanting flexibility and privacy.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to explore how this work may support you.

Author

Jenya Draganova, MEd, RCC
Somatic and Attachment-Based Therapist
Serving clients in Squamish and virtually across British Columbia

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/jenya-draganova-squamish-bc/864482

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenya-draganova-332b9080/

Disclaimer

This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized therapeutic guidance.

If you are in crisis or experiencing immediate danger, please reach out to your local crisis line or emergency services.